Sometimes when you take a deep breath to calm yourself, you have goosebumps. The brain signals your nerves to relax.
Sometimes when you try to control your tears you voice becomes hoarse and nose waters more.
Sometimes you want to just let go of those tears and wish for big bear bear hug from nowhere. Just a hug.
Sometimes you wish you knew one person who could take all your troubles away in one go. A fairy, maybe.:)
Sometimes you want to feel the mental ecstasy rather than a physical, deliberate one.
Sometimes you hate feeling confused and get frustrated when you cannot put a finger on what exactly it is that you want.
Sometimes you realize things only when you are in a receptive mood.
Sometimes you just want to be completely alone.
Sometimes you wish for a better world.
Sometimes you feel like screaming your heart out.
Sometimes, silence feels to be the most peaceful and the safest place to be in.
Sometimes you wish you could give people everything because you love giving and not expect anything in return just so you don't get hurt.
Sometimes you just want to be heard, truly and faithfully.
Sometimes life really feels beautiful.
Sometimes love feels like a burden.
Sometimes the heart beat of the people you love sounds like a distant music.
Sometimes you want things to be perfect.
Sometimes you want to just feel beautiful rather than look beautiful.
Sometimes you want to just feel the thrill of living on the edge.
Sometimes you just do not feel like thinking.
Sometimes you feel like doing everything that you have been asked not to do simply because you feel that the asked for is not the right thing to do in YOUR dictionary.
And sometimes, you just want to let go and write lines like these just to feel crazy, but relaxed at the end of it all.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
One Positive
Just when I thought I would be cherished,
it crashed on me
My waves of beauty,
opened the reality.
I lost myself
thinking I'll find myself again.
But yet again it was all lost on me.
I opened my heart to one beautiful world
It closed itself on me
The one life I had
Began to suffocate me.
I felt clueless
Rendered confused
Wishing my fairy world to grow back on me.
Hanging by a string
feeling the heaviness
clouds forming a thick cover over me.
It killed me inside to leave what I loved
for belief in the same flew away with time.
Patience grew out on me
leaving room for frustration to seep in...
It's easy to speak
but the effort it takes
to get over the negativities
the hardest it is for me.
Life is hard to some
I feel to be one
Maybe because my emotions fill...
But I feel the need to reach out
so to know, two negatives will always make
ONE POSITIVE
it crashed on me
My waves of beauty,
opened the reality.
I lost myself
thinking I'll find myself again.
But yet again it was all lost on me.
I opened my heart to one beautiful world
It closed itself on me
The one life I had
Began to suffocate me.
I felt clueless
Rendered confused
Wishing my fairy world to grow back on me.
Hanging by a string
feeling the heaviness
clouds forming a thick cover over me.
It killed me inside to leave what I loved
for belief in the same flew away with time.
Patience grew out on me
leaving room for frustration to seep in...
It's easy to speak
but the effort it takes
to get over the negativities
the hardest it is for me.
Life is hard to some
I feel to be one
Maybe because my emotions fill...
But I feel the need to reach out
so to know, two negatives will always make
ONE POSITIVE
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Multifariousness
Every time I go for an interview I am trying to convince people that I am good for the job profile they are offering. The situation which occurs as a result of that, is a foot in mouth one. Because I believe I am not good for any ONE particular job. I have undertaken a lot of activities in my life which are either meaningful or meaningless and it just so happens that I come across as a confused person to people. Well, it’s not that I am unsure of what I want to do; it’s just that I have varied interests. I like to take up whatever comes my way. Anything that involves writing, creativity, travelling, events, music, sports, helping the world to be a better place(the works), I love to do. I am called a jack of all trades. And somehow, it has been drilled into my brain that it is a bad thing, that there HAS to be one thing that you are a master of. But I like being a jack of all trades.
So, it’s a decision on my account. I want a job which will give me the opportunity to do everything that I love doing. I want a job where I can put all my trades to use-maybe collectively, or separately. I want to convince people about the fact that I am willing to take up anything which interests me. Maybe it's time I be upfront…”I do what stimulates me and if I have applied for your profile, it is because it excites me. All YOU have to do is offer me variety. Because if I try and convince you about why I want your job while my qualifications are something else, you'll just hit blank. 90% of the time form an opinion - 'Oh, she is just confused.' Unless of course, you are willing to hear about my diverse pursuits."
The blind side
Written - 18/3/2010
We always believe that what we have is insufficient. “Maybe, if we just have one more of those yummy ice creams, it would satiate the craving.” But does it, really?
For the first time in my life I saw a movie which made me cry right from its very beginning (And I am just going to accept the fact that I am a sensitive and an extremely emotional person). It’s funny though, how I find it difficult to watch people cry, to see them sad, to see them hungry or to see them forlorn and lost. I look at my own country and each time I travel by train, I wish that I had magical powers so I could clean up and provide homes to the homeless. I see the kids begging on the street and it takes half a second for my eyes to become misty. I refrain from giving them money. Because those pieces of paper just make you lose your wits. It makes you want all the things you probably don’t need. But it felt good to hand over a cup of an unfinished drink or an uneaten apple. The poor little growling stomach will be happy for a while.
In my life, everything has been about me. How I wanted to do design? Or how my job opportunities look bleak at this moment? Each day I tell myself to be patient. Some days I think about the shoes I want to buy. Or how it would be nice to wear something and impress people. And at times it feels as if the life starts and ends there. Like only you and all the materialist things which give momentary satisfaction exist.
I am thinking now and it’s just a simple but true story, about a teenage homeless black (no offense!) boy who gets adopted by “white” parents, that is springing up these thoughts. I am digging out my blind side.
The boy goes through multiple foster homes and chooses to be homeless when he reaches his teens. But that has only turned him into an amazing human being. He carries around an extra t-shirt in a polythene bag which he washes and wears. He stays at the school gym so he can provide himself with a warm roof on his head. During Thanksgiving when everyone sits in front of the television and watches an American football game, he sits on the dining table and eats his food. His school does an aptitude test on him and surprisingly he scores a 98 percentile on protective instincts. Not something that would come to the mind easily after you see someone twice your size. But something makes him… and he makes him himself. We know that he has a big and a tender heart. What he did not have, was the best environment, a family who’d cater to all his needs, a school where he could learn and a bed to sleep on. It’s a touching scene – his foster mother (played by Sandra Bullock) gives him his own room and tells him about the bed she chose for him. He asks her if it was all his. She agrees. He tells her that he has never had one before. She thinks he is talking about having a room to himself. But he proves her wrong by saying - “a bed”. The mother goes into another room and tries to control her tears in the movie, but I just let them flow. Despite a troubled childhood with his biological mother being a drug addict, he is a beautiful human being.
I do have a bed tonight to sleep on as I write this. And if not the bed I am on, I have at least 5 other beds to choose from. And tomorrow I might wake up at 10 o’clock in the morning and have breakfast served to me on the table and somewhere deep in my heart I know that half the world goes hungry. The struggle has been undertaken by my aunt at whose place I reside as of now. It has been of my parents who will do their best to support me in the coming years as they are doing now. We are lucky, most of you who I know, are. But being ungrateful is just not called for. You either take the easy way out or the hard way. The hard way has a lot of sacrifices to be made, a lot of hardships to be faced. Someday, I’ll have to make that choice, but as of now I know that my mom and dad took the hard way. And they took it happily. It would have been easy for them to shun their duties towards us, to let us go. But they made a choice and the choice was to provide for their kids, HAPPILY.
The movie revolves around more than just the boy. It also revolves around having a heart big enough to provide a place to sleep even if it just for one night. It revolves around the family accepting an unknown stranger into the house. The first night, there are doubts about whether he would steal. But the morning just shows all the bed clothes folded neatly over the sofa where he had slept.
What does it say? It’s a choice we make, it’s the faith we have and it’s the power to believe in the surprises nature offers to you. I will watch this movie at least 10 times and cry double the number of times I watch it, but the slow absorption of what the story has to offer to me will come only after probably the 100th view.
I applied to Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and I know they’ll hardly consider a small inexperienced resume of mine as of now. But I still want to give the benefit of doubt. I believe that someday I’ll do great work.
This movie is about helping the undernourished, the underprivileged and believing in what you are out to do for someone. The boy today is an All American Football player. He believed in himself and the family believed in him. It made me so aware of the person I am and how I want to be in future. The idea is to stick with it. The idea is to believe in it. And the idea is to believe in your power. But these ideas need to be capitalized upon. For me, tonight 11.44 PM was the start. A start to what I believe in, the belief in the fairytale world and belief in the fact that good things will always come by your way. I am about to be right in front of the race, of making this world a better place for you and for me. What I need to explore, is THIS KNOWN SIDE.
We always believe that what we have is insufficient. “Maybe, if we just have one more of those yummy ice creams, it would satiate the craving.” But does it, really?
For the first time in my life I saw a movie which made me cry right from its very beginning (And I am just going to accept the fact that I am a sensitive and an extremely emotional person). It’s funny though, how I find it difficult to watch people cry, to see them sad, to see them hungry or to see them forlorn and lost. I look at my own country and each time I travel by train, I wish that I had magical powers so I could clean up and provide homes to the homeless. I see the kids begging on the street and it takes half a second for my eyes to become misty. I refrain from giving them money. Because those pieces of paper just make you lose your wits. It makes you want all the things you probably don’t need. But it felt good to hand over a cup of an unfinished drink or an uneaten apple. The poor little growling stomach will be happy for a while.
In my life, everything has been about me. How I wanted to do design? Or how my job opportunities look bleak at this moment? Each day I tell myself to be patient. Some days I think about the shoes I want to buy. Or how it would be nice to wear something and impress people. And at times it feels as if the life starts and ends there. Like only you and all the materialist things which give momentary satisfaction exist.
I am thinking now and it’s just a simple but true story, about a teenage homeless black (no offense!) boy who gets adopted by “white” parents, that is springing up these thoughts. I am digging out my blind side.
The boy goes through multiple foster homes and chooses to be homeless when he reaches his teens. But that has only turned him into an amazing human being. He carries around an extra t-shirt in a polythene bag which he washes and wears. He stays at the school gym so he can provide himself with a warm roof on his head. During Thanksgiving when everyone sits in front of the television and watches an American football game, he sits on the dining table and eats his food. His school does an aptitude test on him and surprisingly he scores a 98 percentile on protective instincts. Not something that would come to the mind easily after you see someone twice your size. But something makes him… and he makes him himself. We know that he has a big and a tender heart. What he did not have, was the best environment, a family who’d cater to all his needs, a school where he could learn and a bed to sleep on. It’s a touching scene – his foster mother (played by Sandra Bullock) gives him his own room and tells him about the bed she chose for him. He asks her if it was all his. She agrees. He tells her that he has never had one before. She thinks he is talking about having a room to himself. But he proves her wrong by saying - “a bed”. The mother goes into another room and tries to control her tears in the movie, but I just let them flow. Despite a troubled childhood with his biological mother being a drug addict, he is a beautiful human being.
I do have a bed tonight to sleep on as I write this. And if not the bed I am on, I have at least 5 other beds to choose from. And tomorrow I might wake up at 10 o’clock in the morning and have breakfast served to me on the table and somewhere deep in my heart I know that half the world goes hungry. The struggle has been undertaken by my aunt at whose place I reside as of now. It has been of my parents who will do their best to support me in the coming years as they are doing now. We are lucky, most of you who I know, are. But being ungrateful is just not called for. You either take the easy way out or the hard way. The hard way has a lot of sacrifices to be made, a lot of hardships to be faced. Someday, I’ll have to make that choice, but as of now I know that my mom and dad took the hard way. And they took it happily. It would have been easy for them to shun their duties towards us, to let us go. But they made a choice and the choice was to provide for their kids, HAPPILY.
The movie revolves around more than just the boy. It also revolves around having a heart big enough to provide a place to sleep even if it just for one night. It revolves around the family accepting an unknown stranger into the house. The first night, there are doubts about whether he would steal. But the morning just shows all the bed clothes folded neatly over the sofa where he had slept.
What does it say? It’s a choice we make, it’s the faith we have and it’s the power to believe in the surprises nature offers to you. I will watch this movie at least 10 times and cry double the number of times I watch it, but the slow absorption of what the story has to offer to me will come only after probably the 100th view.
I applied to Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and I know they’ll hardly consider a small inexperienced resume of mine as of now. But I still want to give the benefit of doubt. I believe that someday I’ll do great work.
This movie is about helping the undernourished, the underprivileged and believing in what you are out to do for someone. The boy today is an All American Football player. He believed in himself and the family believed in him. It made me so aware of the person I am and how I want to be in future. The idea is to stick with it. The idea is to believe in it. And the idea is to believe in your power. But these ideas need to be capitalized upon. For me, tonight 11.44 PM was the start. A start to what I believe in, the belief in the fairytale world and belief in the fact that good things will always come by your way. I am about to be right in front of the race, of making this world a better place for you and for me. What I need to explore, is THIS KNOWN SIDE.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Mindful vagueness
Trust me, the only thing i can say about this poem is, incoherency at its best. it's so random that i can be sure my brain was in a spin. anyways, all the best in deciphering.
Another mistake?
God knows, it is not
Uncontrollable it seems
But I feel stronger
Do I?
The helplessness gone
Though sadness falls
For “forbidden to remember,
Terrified to forget”
Memories, I hang onto
Time seems to slow
Rain falls harder
My rooftop blows
Calm myself deep inside
Heart burns
Flames lick the surface
Sweet agony
Smile through the tears
Cry in between the laughs
For even I am in the dark
About what I really want
Are things really grey?
Or I refuse to see
How clear they can be.
How easy they seem.
Move on, I wish to
For to stay on
Cannot afford to
It’s just how it is
And it is just how it’ll be
Another mistake?
God knows, it is not
Uncontrollable it seems
But I feel stronger
Do I?
The helplessness gone
Though sadness falls
For “forbidden to remember,
Terrified to forget”
Memories, I hang onto
Time seems to slow
Rain falls harder
My rooftop blows
Calm myself deep inside
Heart burns
Flames lick the surface
Sweet agony
Smile through the tears
Cry in between the laughs
For even I am in the dark
About what I really want
Are things really grey?
Or I refuse to see
How clear they can be.
How easy they seem.
Move on, I wish to
For to stay on
Cannot afford to
It’s just how it is
And it is just how it’ll be
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Ecstasy
As the morning dawns each day, I can hear the sound of the birds chirping. For the first time in years I wake up without fighting with my inner being. Oh, the nightmares continue alright. Weird stuff like talking snakes, vampires (been reading a story on vampires) and worse stuff like trying to save my life, etc. It IS more like I am fighting with myself. But that reduces each day. I’ve stopped trying to analyze my dreams (they just don’t make sense!). Because my day is so beautiful that the coming night with the mares hopping alongside it, is just too trivial. It is quite simple, you see. The conscious mind is seeing, hearing and feelings things which are far more worthwhile than the fallacies of the mind.
Before starting this piece, I had just one word spinning around me. Ecstasy(no, not the drug). It kind of got lost somewhere. I think of this word and out come tumbling a few others. Joy, happiness, belief, faith, hope, love… maybe more. The words, simple, even clichéd to some, but each one beautiful in its own sense. The very words I scoffed at and sarcastically laughed at, at the mere mention of them. The words which left no stone unturned to put me on a precarious edge. Today, somehow they seem a lot clearer. What brought on this change? Well, that’s my story - the story of ecstasy.
Running an extra mile even though I felt worse than a panting dog (the kinds who have their tongues out), pushing myself to do one extra lap of the swimming pool with an ‘ex’ broken arm in excruciating pain and begging for mercy. Listening to my absolutely wonderful and adorable father (the culprit behind my ecstasy) telling me that my back swing is quite good to make me perform better at golf with enough practice. And more than that pushing my body to get up early in the morning and getting through the day without an inkling of brood, boredom or curses regarding the same. Oh, I have been caught sleeping on my books, alright. Thrice! But the fact that I could motivate myself inch by inch made all those words come back as if it was resurgence.
One Saturday, I sent up a silent prayer to the invisible power that I was looking for beatitude. And it sure did get dumped on me. Showers of it. Nowadays I catch myself smiling for no rhyme or reason. But it’s just so easily comprehendible that I have fallen in love. For I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. This pure, unconditional love, the faith, the belief compelled the universe to grant me exactly what I wished for.
As I sprinted towards the end of my daily jog, I realized that even if I start in spitting distance from the end, I want to be able to hit the end without even a thought of stopping in the middle. In simple words I wanted to finish whatever I had started. Somehow, the idea of leaving something half finished did not appeal to me. And finishing that simple run brought out the same ecstatic adrenaline rush. The feel of the blood flowing into my face, and suddenly I walk taller, proud of myself and feel the exhilaration, the positive exhilaration. lord!
I very strongly and firmly go by the line ‘la vita e bella’ – life is beautiful. It’s like this line and I are connected - soul mates. And after experiencing the perks of a simple life without any complications, this connection has only deepened. Nothing can ever curb me from reaching for the most beautiful moments of my life. For what I am high on is beyond any drug. I am high on life. I am high on my ecstasy filled life.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wonder- Wonder
Had written quite a few years ago. was trying to be all philosophical and stuff...he he he.
Sometimes one wonders about the near future. Most of us do, don’t we? And what about some answers? Do they ever come to us? So, this wonder as I put it is like a question. A big one! And the solution to it lies somewhere. Now, here forms another doubt monster - ‘where’? How will it be after today?
Let’s say, most of us even wonder about the immediate tomorrow. Even though we go about our daily routine we speculate whether tomorrow is going to be any different, any better or any worse.
On the account of changing the subject at a minimal degree, at times one marvels at this gift called life and its ambiguity. So unpredictable in nature, isn’t it? Majority of the worlds population believe in fate or that our life is destined to go where it has to go. But if in the next minute I erase whatever thoughts have been printed on paper here, was it meant or happen or did I just disappoint myself with the usage of the words. It is an example, of course, though, not as complicated as life. There probably are instances much more descriptive then the one above.
We believe whatever our mind tells us or want us to believe. Surely, there are times when our mental power does stray towards these questions. We may not discuss it, but somewhere in the background there are queries which can never be answered by anyone. Nor can they be known from a piece of art or a book. It can only be, by the greatest gift to the human kind, the mind, and its ability to think on a far larger horizon.
Sometimes one wonders about the near future. Most of us do, don’t we? And what about some answers? Do they ever come to us? So, this wonder as I put it is like a question. A big one! And the solution to it lies somewhere. Now, here forms another doubt monster - ‘where’? How will it be after today?
Let’s say, most of us even wonder about the immediate tomorrow. Even though we go about our daily routine we speculate whether tomorrow is going to be any different, any better or any worse.
On the account of changing the subject at a minimal degree, at times one marvels at this gift called life and its ambiguity. So unpredictable in nature, isn’t it? Majority of the worlds population believe in fate or that our life is destined to go where it has to go. But if in the next minute I erase whatever thoughts have been printed on paper here, was it meant or happen or did I just disappoint myself with the usage of the words. It is an example, of course, though, not as complicated as life. There probably are instances much more descriptive then the one above.
We believe whatever our mind tells us or want us to believe. Surely, there are times when our mental power does stray towards these questions. We may not discuss it, but somewhere in the background there are queries which can never be answered by anyone. Nor can they be known from a piece of art or a book. It can only be, by the greatest gift to the human kind, the mind, and its ability to think on a far larger horizon.
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