Mindful vagueness

Trust me, the only thing i can say about this poem is, incoherency at its best. it's so random that i can be sure my brain was in a spin. anyways, all the best in deciphering.

Another mistake?
God knows, it is not
Uncontrollable it seems
But I feel stronger
Do I?

The helplessness gone
Though sadness falls
For “forbidden to remember,
Terrified to forget”

Memories, I hang onto
Time seems to slow
Rain falls harder
My rooftop blows

Calm myself deep inside
Heart burns
Flames lick the surface
Sweet agony

Smile through the tears
Cry in between the laughs
For even I am in the dark
About what I really want

Are things really grey?
Or I refuse to see
How clear they can be.
How easy they seem.

Move on, I wish to
For to stay on
Cannot afford to
It’s just how it is
And it is just how it’ll be

Ecstasy

As the morning dawns each day, I can hear the sound of the birds chirping. For the first time in years I wake up without fighting with my inner being. Oh, the nightmares continue alright. Weird stuff like talking snakes, vampires (been reading a story on vampires) and worse stuff like trying to save my life, etc. It IS more like I am fighting with myself. But that reduces each day. I’ve stopped trying to analyze my dreams (they just don’t make sense!). Because my day is so beautiful that the coming night with the mares hopping alongside it, is just too trivial. It is quite simple, you see. The conscious mind is seeing, hearing and feelings things which are far more worthwhile than the fallacies of the mind.

Before starting this piece, I had just one word spinning around me. Ecstasy(no, not the drug). It kind of got lost somewhere. I think of this word and out come tumbling a few others. Joy, happiness, belief, faith, hope, love… maybe more. The words, simple, even clichéd to some, but each one beautiful in its own sense. The very words I scoffed at and sarcastically laughed at, at the mere mention of them. The words which left no stone unturned to put me on a precarious edge. Today, somehow they seem a lot clearer. What brought on this change? Well, that’s my story - the story of ecstasy.

Running an extra mile even though I felt worse than a panting dog (the kinds who have their tongues out), pushing myself to do one extra lap of the swimming pool with an ‘ex’ broken arm in excruciating pain and begging for mercy. Listening to my absolutely wonderful and adorable father (the culprit behind my ecstasy) telling me that my back swing is quite good to make me perform better at golf with enough practice. And more than that pushing my body to get up early in the morning and getting through the day without an inkling of brood, boredom or curses regarding the same. Oh, I have been caught sleeping on my books, alright. Thrice! But the fact that I could motivate myself inch by inch made all those words come back as if it was resurgence.

One Saturday, I sent up a silent prayer to the invisible power that I was looking for beatitude. And it sure did get dumped on me. Showers of it. Nowadays I catch myself smiling for no rhyme or reason. But it’s just so easily comprehendible that I have fallen in love. For I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. This pure, unconditional love, the faith, the belief compelled the universe to grant me exactly what I wished for.

As I sprinted towards the end of my daily jog, I realized that even if I start in spitting distance from the end, I want to be able to hit the end without even a thought of stopping in the middle. In simple words I wanted to finish whatever I had started. Somehow, the idea of leaving something half finished did not appeal to me. And finishing that simple run brought out the same ecstatic adrenaline rush. The feel of the blood flowing into my face, and suddenly I walk taller, proud of myself and feel the exhilaration, the positive exhilaration. lord!

I very strongly and firmly go by the line ‘la vita e bella’ – life is beautiful. It’s like this line and I are connected - soul mates. And after experiencing the perks of a simple life without any complications, this connection has only deepened. Nothing can ever curb me from reaching for the most beautiful moments of my life. For what I am high on is beyond any drug. I am high on life. I am high on my ecstasy filled life.

Wonder- Wonder

Had written quite a few years ago. was trying to be all philosophical and stuff...he he he.

Sometimes one wonders about the near future. Most of us do, don’t we? And what about some answers? Do they ever come to us? So, this wonder as I put it is like a question. A big one! And the solution to it lies somewhere. Now, here forms another doubt monster - ‘where’? How will it be after today?

Let’s say, most of us even wonder about the immediate tomorrow. Even though we go about our daily routine we speculate whether tomorrow is going to be any different, any better or any worse.

On the account of changing the subject at a minimal degree, at times one marvels at this gift called life and its ambiguity. So unpredictable in nature, isn’t it? Majority of the worlds population believe in fate or that our life is destined to go where it has to go. But if in the next minute I erase whatever thoughts have been printed on paper here, was it meant or happen or did I just disappoint myself with the usage of the words. It is an example, of course, though, not as complicated as life. There probably are instances much more descriptive then the one above.

We believe whatever our mind tells us or want us to believe. Surely, there are times when our mental power does stray towards these questions. We may not discuss it, but somewhere in the background there are queries which can never be answered by anyone. Nor can they be known from a piece of art or a book. It can only be, by the greatest gift to the human kind, the mind, and its ability to think on a far larger horizon.

Illusional dreams

Dreams, crazy dreams. Nightmares! Lots of tossing and turning. Trying to stop those bad guys from catching up with me. I am running and they just keep coming closer. Closer still. I trip, I fall. I keep falling. A feeling of complete weightlessness washes over me. Thud! I land. Feel my breath go out of me. Am I dead? My dream tells me I am. But my conscious mind tells me "Wake up! You are still breathing! You are still alive!." And yes, somehow, I wake. I am too afraid to go back to sleep. Lie awake in the dark willing myself to be vigilant, to keep my eyes from closing shut. They don't agree. They need rest. Sleep comes. It eventually does and this time the mind goes completely blank. Like the dream was an illusion in itself. Was it? Or was it a message to open my eyes to reality.

A-loneliness (poem)

I sit alone
I smile
I sit alone
I cry
I sit alone
I think
I sit alone
I blink
I sat alone
And realized
There was
Much more to life.
I sat alone
I cried
the pain caused
fresh inside.
I sat alone
I smiled
At kids who played
In twilight
I sat alone
I thought
Life is
Way too short.
But as I sat alone
I heard
The music never before
And I sat alone
To feel
The wind swirling
Around me.
Dug a well
Deep of thought
Sitting alone
Brought out
Every emotion
Every doubt
But then I sat alone
And I relaxed.
The breeze calm
The mud fresh
And I relaxed
Closed
Just heard
The sound
Of my heart beat

LOST(poem)

Sometimes you dunno where to run, which way to turn to, where to go....it's like you are in the middle of no where.

Lost...
Lost, i feel
for some say yes
some say no
some travel fast
some go slow
some are happy
some are sad
In their midst
I go mad.

Lost...
More lost
than confused
Frantically search
feeling abused
Abused by the nature
creating a 1000 things
leaves you in a lurch
entangles with rings.

Hollowness surrounds
emptiness prevails
Lost...
Feeling more lost
as darkness tails.
I look around
see no one
tears well up
finding no where to run

Thrash around
pulling at the dark
wanting to be strong,
to make my mark.
But it consumes
for it costs
and realization dawns
Lost...
I AM lost.